Improving Communication With Our Children to Really Get Our Message Across

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Step one we should take towards achieving real and effective communication with children (as well as other child), will be to ensure that we are speaking exactly the same language.

Obviously (except in very rare cases), all participants in one family do speak exactly the same language. Yet the words we decide to show almost everything that think and feel might be quite different from people who some other person in their family chooses, causing it to be very challenging to ascertain and sustain effective communication between the parts. And there is an reason for this:

Every child experiences reality through their senses: sight, hearing, touch, smell and taste.
Our capacity to receive information from each of these sensory channels is just about infinite, but within the womb, we start to get familiar with to disregard (eliminate), group (generalize) and modify (distort) unconsciously at different rates a large portion of information most of us receive, that focuses on the portions that (also unconsciously) we are aware that will probably be very useful to us then as well as the future.

This creates in us a “map” having the pieces that each of your senses brings onto ourselves, that altogether, represent our perception and became our personal representation of reality. This “map” (our experiences) is definitely incomplete and its just a remarkably subjective representation considering the “territory” (the reality).

Very seldom are we mindful of the rhythm of your breathing, fabric of your clothes brushing against our skin, the ambient sounds around us, things that are in our peripheral vision, etc.

But when we focus our enthusiasm for example on our breathing, we will be able to feel how our lungs fill up with air as our chest expands, therefore we may also be ready to take heed to the sound the air makes as it passes through our nasal orifices.

ll that information was available to us before we noticed it, but unconsciously we chose to ignore it, to focus our attention on other things.
And in identically our brains give priority to needed information over other (just for instance, the words written, during the font or background colour, also we unconsciously really look at to one of your senses over the others.

If you remember a relative or very close friend which you haven’t observed in many years, how do you see their own face clearly? is it possible hearken to the tone of their voice? do you really remember the way you felt the very last time you saw them? Which of the three things perhaps you do first?

Every one of us store information (memories) primarily in a visual (images, sight), auditory (sounds, hearing) or kinesthetic (sensations, touch) way. Smell and taste can introduce up very vivid memories, but they are in most cases bound to most of the other representational systems. Should we perceive the smell of freshly baked bread, chances are that it will recall to mind the visual, auditory or kinesthetic memory of another occasion wherein we enjoyed precisely the same aroma (inside my personal case, the smell of wet grass after having a rain, invariably takes me back to the initial days of elementary school).

This might seem like a fun but unimportant fact, until we realize that, besides generalizing, eliminating and distorting, we tend to communicate using predicates related to our primary representational system. And even more importantly: we understand better the communication that uses the predicates related to that representational system which we will usually favour.
If you find yourself worried, do you really feel pinned down? do you look at things dark and blurry? have you been out of tone having the those associated with you?

What do you want for your chosen children? a bright future? a contented life? a life their possible locations in harmony with themselves whilst others at large?

All three considering the phrases have basically the same meaning, but they also are represented in a visual (bright), kinesthetic (happy), and auditory (harmony) way, and instinctively we’re going to prefer or feel more connected with one phrase in the others.
To us, it’ll sound more logical and for that reason much easier to understand, if something is expressed in our own language.
For this reason the very first chesterfield i owned recommendation to start building the path you will follow towards a better communication and relationship with your children, would be to identify our own preferred representational systems, as well as theirs.

In order to do that, It is best to conduct the following exercises:
To recognize your own personal preferred representational system, I like to recommend you make a choice in the memory of a situation that gave you intense positive feelings and actually has a special meaning to you… something that is important and easier that you can remember in depth, such as the the first occasion you saw the person you love, your wedding ceremony, the birth of your respective first child, etc.
Pay attention to the memory you will have selected and write way down on some paper, with just as much precision as possible, every detail that comes for your mind. Take note of what you remember about the place, each one of the people that participated in case, the thing that was said, that which was done, as well as whatever you saw and felt. And try to actually be as specific as is possible on every considering the descriptions.

Once you’re done writing all the things you remember about this very special event to fit your needs, I wish for you to learn again all the things you wrote and distribute the comments you wrote, in three different columns. One column for your comments you made about what you saw, another for your comments you made concerning what you heard, and of course the last one for all those comments you made about that you felt. It’s fine to embellish as you copy the original comments with their respective column.

For the last step in this particular exercise, you ought to pay close attention to each of the comments you wrote, fo find out whether there is always consistency along with a congruency of concepts within the characteristics you may well have given to the them in all of the representational systems you may actually have used.

For example, maybe you jot down some of a warm color (kinesthetic/visual)? or did you comment about a bright sound (visual/auditory)?. Or are you consistent and unconsciously maintain congruency by saying for example dark color (visual/visual), sensation of joy (kinesthetic/kinesthetic), etc.?

Reading again what it is that we wrote, we’ll notice a bent to favour one representational system in the others, and such will be the first link we’ll obtain built on the chain we should construct in order to keep us together on a communicational level with children.

Now, to identify the popular representational system of your little ones, specially if they are very young, the thing i recommend, is usually to do it going on a less formal manner, to make sure they don’t feel like they are tested. Talk to them, examine and pay close attention to their replies:
When they speak with you, will they tell you what they saw? whatever they heard? the way they felt?
Moreover, usually, it is important to also take into account that predominantly visual people generally are relatively impatient, and therefore are much faster in making decisions and grasping the reasons for of what s thought in mind to us. In using a mental picture of the instructions they are definitely receiving, they could immediately decide if it’s one of the things that fits their maps or possibly not. This is often advantageous meaning that characteristically we happen to be talking about determined people who don’t “beat around your bush”, but it also maintains its disadvantages, because by deciding very rapidly, they might do this before having received all of the information necessary to assure the very best decision.

Nevertheless, predominantly auditory people use a lot more living in selecting, because they prefer to hear all of the arguments and explanations before deciding or accepting precisely what is being said to us.

Finally, it may be stated that in a manner kinesthetics are classified as the most cautious so that all it takes is them a lot more opportunity to reach a conclusion or decision, since, besides enjoying the arguments and forming a mental image things, they additionally need to be fully aware of the manner they perceive one decision or another.

It is rather vital that you remember below are: Every one of us use our line of senses to create our maps of reality. Eccentric weight training are made to determine what will be the preferred representational system for any person (not exclusive or constant for each situation).
Producing our preferred representational system as well as having the words we utilize, in addition to our children’s, it will likely be our responsibility to broaden our maps and vocabulary to achieve an effective communication with them and contribute through it to the expansion of their maps.

A further exercise which recommend with this subject, is of “translating” the comments or instructions most of us generally offer to our children, from the language we happen to be used to using, into the three representational systems that we’ve talked about.
For instance, a common instruction that in fact i offer to my daughters is “brush nice hair”. Translated towards the different representational systems, the comment could be:
* Visual: When you finally brush hair, you certainly will look a lot better
* Auditory: Have I stated that I’ve heard people state that you gaze very pretty when your hair is certainly combed.
* Kinesthetic: Doesn’t it upset you to actually possess a messy hair? You’d make me the happiest in case you brush it.
* To cover up all the necessary systems: Once your hair is brushed, I kinda feel excellent, and know you attempt too, because you can note and heed that individuals see you differently and then they will let you know you appear very pretty!

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